At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
happy valentine’s day to me
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*