If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
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Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”