You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
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I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Found the job I’m suited for
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards