When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Best spoiler warning ever
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
This a good idea
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.