[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
You Might Also Like
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it