My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
There’s only one good girl here!
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Can’t. Being lazy.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!