Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
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Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
what’s more important?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz