DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.