Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
car not found
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.