If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Mission: Impossible
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye