I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
This has made my week.