I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no