I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
me and my fake scenarios
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
When someone trying to leave me