Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure