me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My guardian angel deserves a raise
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰