You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Lube but for my dry humor.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath