Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Nice try, poison.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
cats when you pet them too long:
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi