I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
You Might Also Like
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.