If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
What’s a Messi?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!