“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
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