Animal poetry
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.