Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
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See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
and now we wait
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*