According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.