*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
You Might Also Like
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
a badder mouse
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.