This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
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I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.