Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
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Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.