Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
this is what they would have looked like, though
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
The old gods are rising again.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.