[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it