Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone