I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Sign of the day..
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*