Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.