Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Netflix and awkward silence?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.