if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.