Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
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I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
You learn something every day
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.