I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You Might Also Like
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Rambo Rambow
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.