him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO