McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze