A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
good work, everybody
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
What do you hear?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs