Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
From Facebook just now…
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.