We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
barbara was highly relatable
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“OMGJK” -atheists
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!