My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
You Might Also Like
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
“You’d better run, egg!”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I hope google does well on my son’s test
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM