“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Incredible customer service.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
everyone has that one prude friend
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.