She was rare, like a goth carolling.
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LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
early stone age tool
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*