My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
You Might Also Like
when nothing goes right… go left
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.