officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station