I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.