friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Can’t, holding a grudge
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now