Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
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my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
technically true but not a great slogan
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body