Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts