All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
saw this in a dream
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.